When I was in fourth grade, I was in a group of three girls and we were all pretty much had the relationship of quiet toxic, if I should say. Looking back on it, I was so clueless to how much they hurt me. It was a constant game of two against one.
Two against one in this stupid argument.
Two against one in this game on the playground.
Two against one in judgement.
They ridiculed me for everything, and it was always two against one.
I was always one.
That’s why I had eventually left them, and even now I share a class with one of the girls and I am still quietly judged by her in what I do. And if it’s not to me, then it’s to other people in my class.
Even back then, whenever she and girl number two would gang up against me and judge me, I felt bad about myself because I felt like I needed their approval for something.
They say that the people you care about the most hurt you the most and that is so true.
A few days ago I wanted to take a picture, you know seize the beautiful background the weather had provided me. I had so conveniently left my phone in the car that day so I had to ask if I could borrow my friend’s phone to take the picture. I also wanted to take it at school because it definitely served as a better background than places in my neighborhood.
So long story short, I ask her and she allows and I go to take my picture and another friend comes with us as I go to take my picture. These two are also so known to make fun and judge me when they’re together and honestly, for a while it didn’t bug me because of the fact that a lot of the mean stuff we say, we don’t mean in a mean way.
It was so different this time though.
I stood there, trying to position my photo as my two friends stood three yards behind me and made fun of and judge me for what I’m doing. Under normal circumstances I would brush this off but I’m only getting into photography and so every image I take, I am so self-conscious and unconfident about.
As I stood there, trying to position my photo, I felt bad for even wanting to take a great picture. I felt bad that I even thought of the idea of using my school for a better background at home. Their laughing and whispering going on behind me caused me to almost put down the phone and walk away, because I felt so judged. I felt like I had been told everything I wanted to improve on? Stupid, don’t waste your time.
And the worst part? They didn’t even try to be quiet about their judgement and teasing. They didn’t even have the courtesy to make fun of me when I wasn’t standing right in front of them, as if they wanted me to know that “what you’re doing is stupid and we’re going to make fun of you because we don’t understand. We just wanna judge judge judge.”
This is the exact reason why I couldn’t stay with my friends back in fourth grade, they made my interests, things I wanted to get into, seem like a stupid thing to do.
This is why I’m so scared of people finding my blog. I don’t need the judgement and teasing from people for doing something I love.
For the rest of the day that day, I didn’t even want to talk to anyone. I wanted to edit the photo I had taken and maybe cause myself to feel a little better in even trying to take pictures.
This all brings me back to one question, friends and family should be the people who encourage you and help persevere you to go for or improve in new interests. What’s the point of family and friends who constantly prevent you from your interests because they are so quick to judge and ridicule you?
